A few months after I had gotten my first job as a Copywriter for developing unicorn startup. I was so excited because they have such an incredible office. But commercial copywriter was never my dream job in the first place. I planned this role as temporary job, while I’m looking for scholarship for master degree or continuing my career as a Reporter. I used to work as a part time content writer for Kumparan.com when I was in college, and it turned out fine.
I have written so many various topics, from history, lifestyle, and social issues. I enjoyed the process of finding important issues and write it down into pieces. Commercial writer is a different type of job, I have to write a description of products I have never used, or make a catchy slogan to provoke people. Yes, it sounds simpler than content writing, but it wasn’t really my thing. I mean I didn’t enjoy it.
Some of my friends judged me as an ungrateful person, because the company I was working for is a big company that people always want to work for. Some of them also questioned me for being ambitious than my partner (I prefer partner instead of boyfriend). I could say yes, it’s very large and comfortable company with a lot of great people and I’m qualified enough to work with them in long period. But unfortunately, this wasn’t a job that would lead me to my dream career, so I decided to quit.
One night, after finishing my tasks, I got a deep self-reflection and decided to call my partner. I was crying at that moment and clearly remember, the first words that came out from my mouth, I told him that I hated myself for being such unreasonable idealistic person, in fact I needed money for living. I wanted to live a simple life like him. I gave him many rhetorical questions, why do I have to be so ambitious?
My partner has the opposite character from me. He is not ambitious, only a few things he wants to achieve in his life. He has worked for the same job since he had graduated on 2015. I envied him so much, not because he got a stable job, but he doesn’t hate his job like what I felt. I saw him happier than me when we were talking about job. I wish I have such a simple mindset like him, so I just can easily accept any jobs that can make me financially stable.
Recently I read Lean in: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sanberg. It enlightened me to see things in wider perspectives. Maybe the fact that I envied my partner was true, but psychological reasons behind it weren’t totally true. Sanberg pointed out that as women we often feel guilty for being ambitious, when it works the opposite for men. Women who are ambitious, bold, and outspoken too often are considered as bossy, which indicated as a negative traits.
Sanberg says that women face real obstacles in the professional world. They have what so called “unseen barriers” when they have such a big goals. Women have to face an external barriers which are associated with society. Sometimes, we unconsciously hold ourselves back. Both big and small by lacking self-confidence. We internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives, the small voices that keep telling us to step back — voices that say it’s wrong to be ambitious, and outspoken or aggressive.
In my case, I have heard my partner’s friends admired him because he has a stable job after graduated and now he will soon get his first house. At this point I’ve realized that our society often sees and appreciates materialistic things, they don’t want to see the painful process you have been through, or the reason why yo chose to stay in the position where everyone considered not to choose.
It applies in our relationship. I know I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for being ambitious, when my partner doesn’t. But now I’ve recognized that our relationship should not be dictated by society. For us it is okay if as woman I’m more ambitious than him, so is he. We believe that gender bias should not exist in the first place.
