It is Okay for Being Depressed

(Image: Unsplash/Alex Boyd)

It took me a few days to finally dare to share my thoughts and experience about depression. Whether unconsciously or not in Indonesia talking about mental issues is still things we can’t openly share with, it’s hard to share the depression feelings without getting afraid for being brutally judged even with my closest friends.

I’ve personally never imagined that in my life I will get depressed, I have surrounded by good friends, I have a healthy relationship and supportive family, even though my family comes from the under middle class in a small village. Some people might think I’ve claimed myself get depressed just because I’m feeling sad and lonely in short time. I’m afraid the assumptions were wrong, because I have been struggling with my own feeling for almost one year. It didn’t instantly come all of sudden, feeling depressed was come in long term, we could never be prepared, and it was constantly bigger time by time, like a time-boom that grow inside of yours.

A few months ago I’ve got a amount of unexpected rejections in a job that I thought I was good at it. Of course, being rejected multiple times were painful. Sometimes it left many questions that has no any certain answer. I was questioning my ability, and the triggered question come across my minds, am I worthless? Or am I nothing? Then these kinds of shit feeling started burgeoning inside of mine. Being rejected is not a single factor, indeed. We can’t talk depression without involved a thousand burden of life whether can be about a financial problem or social-life issues and also tremendously important is losing a self-confident.

Being depressed just like mixing a sadness, worthless, feeling nothing, have no- self-confident, and lost interest becoming one, or in many social media platform has visualized as a big black dog that lives in our head. I’ve brutally lost interest in everything, I used to love writing and reading. I even can’t focus reading, although I’m a freaking reading lover. All I want to do was nothing at all. I’m doing nothing with an empty mind and negative self-talk surrounding myself. I found myself felt like I was totally not deserve anything. Sometimes everything suddenly blind, I become blind to all the small-yet-valuable things in my life.

I used to love the solitude in my life, I think spending time alone with some of the books in my hand without any distractions is priceless, being alone had never been a hard thing for me. But as time goes by solitude has transformed into loneliness feel, as Paul Tillich ever said

Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.

Loneliness is a horrible feeling, you shouldn’t have to keep with it, it kills you slowly. It jumped you into the lack of heartbreaking feeling, ironically it won’t go away for the long term. I keep on asking, researching about what this kind of shit I was struggling with. Besides an online journal, I installed medium as other alternatives articles. Medium is a great platform, I’ve read a lot topic in varied perspectives background that makes me felt better because apparently, I’m not alone at all, there are people out there who are struggling with the same issues with mine. I also starting to like Haruki Murakami novels, whose everyone knows that he is one of the best writers with most all of his writing tells about the Japanese and their depression culture. Murakami has been influenced me a lot. His story has fascinated me in many ways of thinking.

Accept For The Fact That you are depressed
It has been a hard time for me at first to accept the fact that I was qualified to be called as a depressed. I’ve always denied it and it honestly made me getting worst, as an independent woman who has survived for my own life since I was high school, I always think that I should have ignored everything that makes me looks weak, I have to be stronger than I have been yesterday. But ironically pretending that you are mentally strong and you don't deserve to be depressed make you keep thinking that you can face everything through yourself when you obviously need help.

Anna Akana, one of my favorite female youtuber that constantly making videos with mental illness issues once ever said:

It is okay for not being okay, it is so much healthier to be okay with not being okay than pretend everything is okay when it’s not. Accept that suffering is part of life too.

If you want yourself for being healed from depressed, you should at first accept that you are depressed, find your closest friends or your loved one to share. It will not automatically make you healing, but it works to make you feel better. The most important step for a depressed person is to know and acknowledge, if you already do it, you won a half battle with your own self.
Before I’ve got a deep talk with my partner, I have had to avoid to talk to him and hiding a problem with says “No I’m okay”, then alienated myself and cried a lot, but after I told him everything. He can completely understand, he was the only person I feel comfortable talking to, he always patient with me even though since I depressed we’ve fought a lot, but he never got upset to face my depressive mood swing. I’ve felt like I deserve to be loved, and I got my self- confident back after that.

Trust me pretending that you are strong enough will not make you get better. There will always be turbulent times in our life. Go talk to someone, tell them that you need to have listened, it is okay if they are can’t provide you with a piece of advice you hoped, by dedicating their time to listen to your issues it might be the best medicine you need.

Last but not least, whatever you’ve been through, or how’s hard to face the cruel world, remember it will end, being depressed won’t stay forever in you, your difficulties are only temporary, get back to yourself soon, never ever give up with yourself, because you are totally worth to get a better and happy life.

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Journalist based in Jakarta. A long time writer, a lifetime reader.

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Hani

Hani

Journalist based in Jakarta. A long time writer, a lifetime reader.

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